Feeling like we know how to be “a good mom” is so challenging these days. There are literally THOUSANDS of parenting experts cranking out countless books, blogs, and podcasts all the time, giving us a whole spectrum of advice and tips. As mothers we feel like we are constantly second guessing ourselves. Or at least, I know I am. But recently, I came across this deeply comforting insight from Jean Liedloff, the author of The Continuum Concept. It may be the last piece of parenting advice you will ever need.
“It is important to understand who the real experts are. The second greatest babycare expert is within us, just as surely as it resides in every surviving species that, by definition, must know how to care for its young. The greatest expert of all is, of course, the baby – programmed by millions of years of evolution to signal his or her own kind by sound and action when care is incorrect. Evolution is a refining process that has honed our innate behavior with magnificent precision. The signal from the baby, the understanding of the signal by his or her people, the impulse to obey it – all are part of our species character.”
What an immense relief these words are to me. I could read them over and over again like a prayer. Being a stay at home mom can be really isolating at times. But this sentiment reassures me that we are never alone – that we have the wisdom of millions of generations of women coursing through our veins. All we need to do is simply observe our children to connect with that knowing and learn from them what they need. Sometimes it’s easier said than done though.
Sleep Was the Most Desperate Struggle
Here is an example from my own life. Until my son was a year and a half old, sleep was the most desperate struggle. When he was nursing, he wanted to feed 4 or 5 times every night. He was very small for his age – his single digit percentile marker on his pediatrician’s chart plagued my poor anxiety ridden brain. So I never felt like I wanted “sleep train”. If he could nurse that much and still be so tiny, he must have needed it. But even after he was weened, he still almost never slept through the night. Waking up only 2 or 3 times was considered to be “a good night”.
The depression that ensued from the continuous sleep deprivation was intense and permeating. I had so little energy, it was a struggle to leave to house or to maintain relationships with anyone. My partner and I became quietly suicidal. Even though we knew we would have never actually attempted to kill ourselves, our brains were so starved for completed REM cycles that each time our son would get us up in the middle of the night our first thought became, “I would rather be dead, than waking up again.”
The Breaking Point
And then he learned to climb out of his crib. That was the real breaking point. I would read him a bedtime story or sing while gentling rocking him and then tuck him into his bed. Less than a minute later, giggling, he’d peek his little head around the corner into the living room. I was so frustrated, and exhausted, and I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP so I would put him back in his bed again. And he’d be out again the next minute, popping up like a whack a mole, giggling the whole time no matter how mad I got.
This went on for about a week, until one night I really scared us both. This time after the fourth or fifth round of this deeply annoying bedtime routine, I was so flustered that I carelessly hefted his tiny body – essentially tossing him into his crib. He bumped his head as he landed and immediately started wailing. Thankfully, he wasn’t hurt badly, but in that moment I was so shocked at myself. I have always been some one who loved kids and enjoyed caring for them. How could I have let myself do something like this to my little boy?
Time to Pause and Reflect
And it made me pause. I couldn’t continue down this darkening path. Obviously, what I was doing wasn’t working. What do I do instead? And then I started to think about my son’s behavior. I first got stuck on his mischievous giggles. He seemed to revel in his own defiance at bedtime, which was so infuriating because I found no part of him depriving me of sleep to the point of debilitating depression to be funny. But when I took a deep breath and reflected further, I realized that maybe he was actually communicating something deeper with his actions that he didn’t have words for yet. Whenever he’d hop out of bed, he’d come to where ever I was. He wanted to be with me, not by himself in his bed.
Finally, Peaceful Nights
The next night I decided to put our mattress on the floor and move his little mattress next to ours. Within a week of all of us laying down together to sleep, he was consistently sleeping through the whole night. Not only that, but this new bedtime routine has bought us so much closer together as a family.
My son was acting out to try and communicate his need for connection with me at nighttime. This is just one of countless examples of how we can learn to let our children teach us how to care for them. What is your child trying to tell you? Please comment below to share your experiences so we can all learn more together.
Many of our children’s “problematic behaviors” are really just their attempts to tell us we are doing things incorrectly. They have needs that are not being met. And if we can learn to set our frustrations aside and trust in their innate wisdom, we can let them guide us to becoming the parents we always hoped we would be.
Melanie Starseed is the creator of Be Free Mommy, a blog dedicated to inspiring and uplifting women.
If you enjoyed this post, you will definitely love Little Gurus: How My Children Became My Guides to Enlightenment
On the days that all i want to do is lay in bed and grumble with thoughts, AnnaBella will hangout for a brief while until she is over it. Then she fusses and hits me or giggles and plays until she sees a real smile from me.
That’s beautiful ❤️ Our children are so sweet and wise 🙏